Monday 31 May 2010

About A Girl

I've been trying to conduct this post in my head for days now but I cannot seem to find the right way to put it. Basically it is about the girl. She is in my head constantly at the moment. Or rather the fact that I somehow managed to screw everything that could have been up with her within only two meetings through my own inability to express myself and my feelings. Imagine the scenario, you're there alone with the girl of your dreams for an entire evening. You absolutely adore her, every single thing about her, but you don't say a word. At the end of the night rather than doing anything to even remotely show your affection you simply give her a hug and say bye. You walk away thinking "Agh what a wasted chance! Ok well tomorrow I shall make sure it happens".

Only when tomorrow comes around she won't see you and from that point on her life gets more and more exciting as she meets new people and does new things, and you're just left there regretting the fact you didn't show her how you felt when you had the chance, feeling more and more anxious and upset about it every second of every day. That is where I am right now.

I've been here before, I just didn't want to be here again and haven't been in a long while now. The worst thing is I am totally ready to show her how I feel now, I was the following day, but she won't even let me see her so I physically can't do it. I know there's still a lot of time left, she's going to be here for 3 months, and specifically for at least 1 week there we are going to be together for a period of time regardless.

The worst thing is that I do this all the time, I am always too scared to admit how I feel. Granted this time I had reasons I'd given myself beforehand. I didn't want to be just another guy who was fawning after her, I felt like it was more important to be a friend to her than have any romantic intentions.But from the lack of interest I'm being shown as a friend I think what was the point in holding myself back like that.

I'd like to say this has finally taught me my lesson that in situations such as this honesty is best, always let the girl know how you feel regardless of whether she reciprocates or not. The problem is I never find myself in these situations anymore. This is the first time in a long time I've been here and it may be even longer, and less enjoyable, whenever I find myself here again.

Going to try my hardest to get over it anyway.

Monday 24 May 2010

Why is it I always feel more inspired in cities?

Walking through the park a moment ago to Aldi, I felt inspired all of a sudden. I've not felt that way in years, like I wanted to write down everything I was feeling at that moment. It was a spring evening, seven o'clock, I was walking through Hullard Park in Old Trafford, Manchester, just yards from my new home. A load of Asian kids were running around on the grass throwing water balloons at each other, a skinny, shaven headed white man was walking his dog and a fat, wart-faced old white woman was plodding along behind him, you don't get scenes like this in North Devon.
My chest was feeling dull, I've realised now that I probably do experience things and take things to heart a little more extremely than your average man, even as a now fully grown adult. A girl told me earlier that she wanted to see me tomorrow but only after she'd spent time with another man. Now your average man would be sufficiently upset at this but it kind of just closed me down. I backed off completely, said if that's the case then I may not be able to see her at all because it'll be too late. This isn't really the case, I could have gone to see her a little later but the thought of her choosing and arranging to see that man purposely before seeing me really cut deep. It made me chest feel deflate and my stomach churn, real physical reactions that put me out and make my body tense up. I immediately tried to backtrack, said "well whenever you're free give me a ring and I'll try and make it along" but the damage may have already been done, it may have been a green light for her to disregard me entirely and spend all evening with this man.

There, do you understand what I mean? Completely over thinking things. Could you even bear five minutes in my head? Is it any wonder I find it so hard to communicate with the outside world at times when there is all of this constantly happening? What I'm finding now is that it's more important for me to force myself into social situations to silence the internal chatter, understand that people don't have such a problem with my closedness as I may imagine, I think a lot of people don't even notice it, they're too wrapped up in their own little worlds. And the more time you spend in such situations the less time you're thinking too much, it's hard to overthink when you're spending more time actually doing.

Which is where you found me tonight, walking through Hullard Park on my way to Aldi, when I'm overwhelmed with the beauty of a summer's evening I have less time to confuse myself with whatever's buzzing around my tortured skull. This also explains why I feel the need to take myself downstairs now, sit with the housemates and try and watch a bit of tele with them.

Sunday 23 May 2010

New Home Again

Moved into a new place finally, in Manchester. In Old Trafford. Between you and I, it's far from perfect. I'm living with five other people, all of them seem nice but I'm not sure that I'm gonna fit in. I hope I do, but we shall see. I'm being my normal awkward, nervous self I think. So far I'm trying to act friendly, though I'm worried the girl who lives here, a romanian girl, is already finding me a bit weird and annoyed that I don't have much of my own stuff. I think they all find that a bit peculiar actually. I'm only on a 3 month contract anyway, once that's up I can move out or stay on as I please, there's nothing keeping me tied.

I'm also getting the fear a little, worrying about when Kirsty ends up leaving Manchester, what I'll do then. She's only here for three more months, then she moves to London. I'll have completed my three months call centre experience then though and have the ability to move on to pastures new myself if I wanted so it's not that much of a worry I suppose.

The thing I'm most looking forward to right now is Meredith coming over, she arrives on Tuesday. Maybe I'm putting too much on her visiting, chances are she'll meet a load of other people here and not want to spend much time with me at all. It'd be nice if she did want to hang out with me a fair bit though. I'm supposed to be meeting her on Tuesday night for movies and wine, which I'm looking forward to.

Other than that things are same as ever. Spent yesterday sat out in the early summer sunshine at Castlefield with Kirsty, Dave, Dave's friend Craig, Kirsty's old boss Seb, his brother Cedric, their friend Sara and a bunch of others which was nice, then we went back to Seb's and just drank a load more. Afterwards I came back here, around 1am, and sat watching tele with the new housemates for a little before my first night's sleep in my brand new bed.

Today I took a trek down to the Asda in Hulme, about a 20 minute walk away and bought a bunch of plates, glasses, bowls, some orange juice and ribena. There are still more things I need, it's gonna take a while to get everything I think, but I'll get there.

So yes, that's our regular catch up done. Regular nervous moaning over with. Got work again tomorrow, that's getting better and all. Hoping to start achieving my targets this week, which would be nice.

Sunday 9 May 2010

Why do we leave the ones we love?

Just returned from a five day visit back to Devon and I'm feeling incredibly homesick. Why do we do this? Why is it that we feel the need to leave the ones we love the most in the world, our families, to go somewhere to make a living?


I could tell you the answer, in fact I will tell you the answer, we leave our families to find a job that we enjoy, find new people to love so that the love is eventually passed down through to another generation. I know this, but it doesn't stop it hurting when you have to leave people behind.

It does clear my mind though, makes me realise how things are going to happen. Whilst I was growing up I always wanted to break out of North Devon. I never knew why but I just wanted to escape. The older I get, the less I feel this way. I do need to stay away for a little longer, until I've returned to uni and got a degree at least, but then I feel more and more that after that I will in fact return there to live. It's such a beautiful corner of the country, once my life is on track and I have a bit more substance behind me I will feel happier about living there, once I know that I've taken on the outside world, found my place in it a little more, I won't feel trapped then like I have in the past.

That said I know I'll always be disatisfied with something or other. For me the grass is always much greener on the other side of the fence, of this I am more than aware.

I'll just spend the rest of the evening wallowing in my homesickness anyway, iron a shirt, maybe shed a tear and then eventually grab some sleep. A hard first day back at work awaits me in the morning. I desperately need to make some sales this week.